To many the uncomfortable conversation is considered conflictual, tense and a waste of energy. In my professional viewpoint, the uncomfortable conversation is essential for growth, understanding and resolution between two parties or many. It is a mark of elevated emotional intelligence and healthy communication. It is an underappreciated life skill. Here’s why: an uncomfortable conversation is necessary when discussing unconscious biases and navigating different opinions and perspectives. It is equally important when two parties have found themselves in a place of disagreement, need to address a sensitive topic, delicate matters or confront behaviour, to reach a place of healthy resolve. In management circles, we know that the uncomfortable conversation becomes the secret component and learning ground of robust debate, which is key for innovation, creativity and unique solution development.
Tactics you can use that ensure a relatively positive outcome when embarking on such conversations:
- Is it time to have an uncomfortable conversations?
How do you know that it is time to have one? Usually there is something that is bubbling on the surface or a discomfort that you sense in the atmosphere between you and the other party. This would usually involve the overstepping of personal values, some sort of adverse behaviour from the other party, consistent tension or recurring misunderstanding. Ignoring or avoiding the discomfort of talking about it, will rarely lead to a positive outcome or resolution. Instead it will exacerbate the underlying issues and lean towards forms of toxic behaviour, reactive culture and unhealthy communication. Acceptance of the discomfort is the first step and a crucial mindset shift. It is a healthy relationship building response.
- Know your intention
Intention is not for the other person. It is for you. If you say you want something but you want something else, your agenda and intention will have a way of presenting you as inauthentic and not honest. If your intention is to win, you will lose because the other party will get a sense that something is off. This could create unintended hostility or conflict. You may not want the same things. That does not mean that you cannot work at pleasing both parties. In a community or societal orientated environments, intention should always be mutually beneficial or you are working towards a situation where both parties will inevitably lose.
- Have empathy
Generally conversations lean towards conflict when we lack empathy when engaging with others. Like respect, in order to get it, you have to give it. If you walk into every conversation with a sense of empathy for the other by taking the time to intentionally put yourself in their shoes, they will immediately sense kindness and feel open to share their perspective. Similarly, it will encourage you to consider their feelings, motivation, agenda and viewpoint without making assumptions or forming unconscious biases. Empathy gives you the opportunity to engage by suspending judgement. This will foster an environment of mutual understanding and promote healthy communication and engagement.
- Positivity and proactivity
Set the tone of the conversation with positive intention. Express your genuine desire to foster mutual understanding, respect, resolution and self-development. This shows the other party, that you are open to working towards a mutually beneficial solution and that you have an intention to form a genuine and sustainable partnership. Mention that the purpose of the conversation is to strengthen the bond, work together to address an issue, come to a place of understanding and respect, and / or find a beneficial solution to a challenge. Approaching the conversation positively and proactively, should diffuse defensiveness and hostility and pave the way for a productive discussion.
- The power of words
Though I am a professional communicator, how I write and what I say is always carefully considered because words have immense power to make or break a situation. It is a very rare occasion where I have used words without considering the impact. This is the same in any situation. Business or personal interactions. Therefore, it is essential that you choose your words wisely especially in a conversation with a level of discomfort. Be intentional with your language and choose words that are clear, concise, kind and non-judgemental. Words have the power to break relationships and sometimes start wars. Avoid accusatory or fiery tone or language that can escalate tension. Be careful not to be micro aggressive in your actions or behaviour as this too could cause unwanted conflict. Focus on addressing the issue/situation by using I statements to express your feelings and thoughts as they convey ownership. Do not talk for the other person and let them own up on their own, as it is emotionally healthy and mature for both parties.
- Be respectful
Expressing your emotions are an inherent and essential part of moving towards healthy communication when having an uncomfortable conversation and while you are doing that, it is as important to express while maintaining respect for the other person. That would mean that you share your emotions openly without blaming or criticizing the other party. It is about being kind in the moment. Recognising that this is a person with human emotions and feelings. Emotionally charged conversations should be an opportunity for self-development, connection and healing instead of hostility, conflict and rage. Being respectful of the impact of your words and intentions will increase connection and healthy engagement when approached with sensitivity and care for the other party.
- Stay open to feedback
Uncomfortable conversation it as a two-way street. Both parties have equal responsibility to listen, be proactive, empathetic and respectful. Be receptive to feedback even when it challenges your assumptions, beliefs or emotions. Embrace the opportunity to learn how the other is feelings and listen to their perspective without forming unconscious biases, jumping to conclusions or interrupting. Consider what the other person is sharing. Observe and reflect and really think about what they are saying or trying to get across without being hyper focused on your agenda or what is you want out of the situation.
- Manage your reactions
Emotions have a way of running high in sensitive conversations. It is crucial that you manage your reactions and remain composed and avoid becoming hostile or defensive. If you are overwhelmed or struggling to manage your emotions, it is okay to ask for a time out or take a moment to pause, breathe and gather your thoughts before continuing. Responding thoughtfully with a healthy intention, instead of reacting is a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity and kindness. Unless it is your intention to hurt the other person, anger will not encourage healthy engagement but conflict. Kindness and respect is key. To both yourself and the other party.
Uncomfortable conversations are an inevitable part of human interaction. They offer the opportunity for personal and relational development. Navigating uncomfortable conversations requires empathy, active listening, thoughtful and empathetic communication, and a willingness to engage with discomfort. By embracing these principles and strategies, you can transform uncomfortable conversations into powerful catalysts for understanding, self-development, resolution, and ultimately, stronger connections with others. Remember, discomfort is the gateway to self-growth and emotional maturity. Finally, healthy and proactive uncomfortable conversations are a testament to your emotional intelligence and communication prowess.
