In a world that is beginning to feel more and more tumultuous, crazy and dare I say, disingenuous, I lean on the things that form part of my core ideology. Non-violent communication offers a refreshing perspective on how to connect with others from a fundamental place of empathy and interpersonal harmony without resorting to aggression, blame or hostility. Therefore reducing the effects of polarisation that is becoming more and more prominent of our time. It provides you with an opportunity to be the quiet within the storm and enables you to make informed decisions in chaotic times. It is the position of a smart negotiator or strategic mediator. Most importantly, it emboldens and nurtures healthy relationships and constructive discourse – My forever why.
Through my education of non-violent communication practice, I have discovered invaluable lessons that have transformed the way I respond, advise and communicate. These insights are not just about verbal and non-verbal communication – they extend to self-awareness and building harmonious relationships in all aspects of life. In this article, I’ll share eight key things I’ve learned and how they can enhance your daily interactions, promote empathy, understanding, and peaceful coexistence. This is only the beginning.
- Begin with empathy. Can you suspend your judgement or assumptions by trying to deeply understand another’s feelings and needs without projecting your own? Can you hold space for another purely to build community and create a safe space without having personal feelings about it? Empathy allows us to build safe spaces for open, honest and hard conversations with people that we may not necessarily agree with or see eye to eye.
- Know thy self. Do you understand and acknowledge how you feel and have you processed these emotions objectively? To make a decision or respond proactively, you need to have some basic understanding and knowledge of your own emotions or where you are at. Self-awareness encourages safe boundaries, healthy communication and transparency and will allow you to form well thought out opinions and communication without reacting through anger and aggression. You are a slave to whatever controls you. It will allow for direct, honest communication without projecting blame or shame. Enabling accountability for actions and words. It recognises that your feelings and emotions matter. Deep understanding of self, empowers you to take responsibility of your emotions and actions, fostering a sense of self-efficacy and control over your interaction and communication.
- Focus on what is within your control. As with empathy where I discussed suspending judgement or making assumptions, observation should be the focus. Snap judgements and non-critical thinking responses increases misunderstanding and defensiveness in interactions. If we take the time to step back and observe it would be easier to come to a working solution or find ways to move the marker slightly than just taking a hard stance on something. It opens the door for creativity. I learned this when I was working in Emergency Medical Services and observed the way the Command Centre would respond to a local, provincial or national crisis. They would start with observing the incident. Then work out possible scenarios to manage what was within their control whilst still managing the incident as a whole. Therefore working towards a solution that is sustainable and long term – reducing the heat of the medical emergency instead of intensifying tension which inevitably boils over or turns into wasted energy. They refocused their attention.
- Active listening. Are you listening or are you hearing? I love to say this professionally and personally. Let’s be honest. Many of us listen to hear. Many of us love to have our own opinion and thoughts acknowledged but do we ever really, deeply listen to the people we are engaging with? Especially when the clock is ticking, the pressure is on, the stakes are high and we don’t always get valued or credited for what we bring to the party or team or we feel basically misunderstood. Non-violent communication promotes and encourages empathetic listening. Fully concentrating on what the other is saying without responding to fix or formulating your response while they are talking or interrupting so that you can get your thoughts and opinions across. This is ego. It requires that you be open to consider another’s opinion or view. It is relationship orientated.
- Pursuing transformation. Non-violent communication views conflict as an opportunity for understanding and growth. To gain consensus. The movie, best of enemies, is a favourite of mine as it reminds me that nothing in my life, no relationship in my life, is so bitterly bad, that it cannot be resolved, that it cannot go back to a place of peace or reconciliation. Because I believe in people. In building healthy relationship within community. I believe that we all have the capacity to really see and hold space for each other. To acknowledge the humanity in each person we come across. That we may be different in many ways but we are equally the same in our humanity. In our need to survive, breathe, be loved and valued. I would not be in this field of work, if I did not believe in community and fostering healthy communications and relationships. There is enough negativity in this world. We owe it to ourselves to invest in building healthy and safe communities of the future within a consistently polarised world. Pursuing transformation teaches us to see the root cause and address core needs behind conflicting positions to get to a place of win-win instead of win-lose or lose-lose.
- Anger is wasted energy. Anger and ego has its time and place. However, if you were to study the greatest fighters in the world, they would tell you that anger has a way of throwing them off their game. The legendary martial artist Bruce Lee was famously known for his quote that says, “be like water. Be like water making its way through cracks… adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend”. He is saying be still. He is saying, centre yourself. When we are angry, we are unsettled. We are not regulating our emotions or our thoughts and we are wasting energy because it is draining. It takes. It does not fill. Once settled we can think clearly and make proactive choices and actions that help move the indicator of a situation than adding more fuel or fire to it. Again, a mediator or negotiator cannot go in angry. They will get nowhere. People are won over when they are seen, heard, respected, loved and valued. Not when they are criticised, disrespected or made fun of because you’re angry. If your enemy has made you angry, he has already won.
- It is peace and people orientated. It seeks to come to a place of unity. And is therefore non-confrontational and unbiased. Non-violent communication is rooted in enhancing and investing in the quality of relationships and community. It is defined by intentional effort to address issues and tough situations through tactful, rational and progressive communication practice and methods that address short and long term issues. It strengthens understanding, accountability, fairness and respect in relationships, between leaders and their staff, companies and their clients/ audiences, and/or community instead of intensifying unconscious biases and creating further separation and disparity. If you as a leader were to address a difficult situation or topic with a team member, I would advise that you go in with a peace and people focused position. Smart negotiators don’t go in with a tough approach. They go in with the view that they have to offer the other something first. Like offering something of peace, bringing the other party closer to you instead of pushing them further away.
- It outlines needs instead of making demands. We request instead of commanding. Sometimes we think that if we make demands we will get further in our cause but like in marriages and romantic relationships, people cannot hear you when you are screaming at them. When you have taken the tough position. You have to step back and outline what your needs are and then put them forward so that the other party can consider and get back to you. Write down what it is that needs to be done and write it without using loaded or aggressive words and language. Speak it without using aggressive words and language. Non-violent communication promotes a collaboration where both parties can work towards a satisfying win-win solution. Instead of issuing orders or commands, you make requests, respecting the autonomy of the other party, inherently fostering cooperation and building long term trust.
Non-violent communication is more than just a tool for negotiation and mediation, it is a philosophy that has the potential to transform our relationships and the way we perceive the world. Through empathy, self-awareness, and a commitment to understanding and meeting the needs of ourselves and others, it paves the way for more compassionate and peaceful coexistence. It builds community and healthy relationships. By considering these eight points, you can navigate the complex web of human interactions with grace, cultivating a world where understanding and empathy prevail over hostility and blame. In a time when unity and understanding are needed more than ever, non-violent communication offers a promising path towards a brighter, more harmonious future.
